Lii nistwayr d'ooshipayihk

(stories of where it came from)

Lii nistwayr d'ooshipayihk (stories of where it came from) is the phrase that frames this part of the research. In order to harvest wisdoms from narratives, I first needed to know the stories of where it came from, I needed to hear the stories of their lived experiences that would offer me knowledge and help on my journey of understanding Métis practices. The gatherings were truly the most nourishing experience of the inquiry. Although I entered the spaces with trepidation and worry, I was always calmed upon arrival, praying with smudge, and being surrounded by relatives. I learned over the last ten years, through an oral process, that one event or occurrence is often inadequate to thoroughly explore, as a collective, truths and experiences. No one gathering was the same; they were beautiful and enlivened because of the stories of the collective. Together, at various times during our gatherings, we discussed how the process has allowed us to stop or slow down to discern the meaning of certain activities or practices in our lives; this was something new for many of the kin around the table. Each gathering and content of our discussions is described below. I purposely centre the voices of my Métis kin as they are the expert of their own experiences. Shown in Figure. 2: Inquiry process, each gathering had an intention and plan to formulate the inquiry; all gatherings went accordingly. Coinciding with the gatherings, I included the ‘side conversations’ that occurred adjacent to the formal sessions; these were requested on behalf of the individuals. Three informal conversations took place, one at a coffee shop, one at a Métis event, and one in my home, at my kitchen table. Figure 3: Gathering diagram, illustrates the gathering format, with Elders always present and guiding us through sharing their own stories. The smudge always sat by the Elder.

 Gathering 1: September 5, 2019

Gathering one was focused on bringing all individuals together, with food, introductions, and research information. Prior to the first session, all participants were told of the research purpose and process details thus, the first session was focused on acquiring informed consent and beginning the research inquiry in an ethical manner. As seen in the Figure 1, there were four Elders engaged in the process, two Piikani Elders, Reg and Rose Crowshoe, one Michif Elder, Edmee Comstock, and one Michif speaker, Grahams Andrews. To begin the research inquiry process as a whole, we sat in a circle, with Reg and Rose facilitating the circle, and Edmee and Graham in the circle for cultural guidance. Before beginning, I offered tobacco to both Edmee and Graham, too which they accepted to contribute to the inquiry. Smudge was lit, prayer brought us all into the circle, and we began the journey together. Introductions were articulated as we went around the circle, all of us sharing our familial names, connections, and homeland, while discovering, unsurprisingly, that some of us are related. After the circle was completed, we moved to the tables that were set up in a large rectangular fashion. We joined in a meal together while I described, in detail, the research and consent form information. With consent completed, Reg opened the discussion portion of the evening with teachings of natural and absolute laws, the importance of language, and the he will be supporting the research process. We ended our evening with the contribution of the Métis kin adding any thoughts, the selection of dates, and a farewell until next time.

 Chatting with Matt at the Lougheed House: September 26, 2019

Conversing with Bob in downtown Calgary: October 3, 2019

 Gathering 2: October 7, 2019

The second research gathering took place on an October evening, during the time when the sun was still shining in the early evenings. This was the first gathering of three where we began sharing photos and videos of our Métis experiences, perspectives, and reflections of our lived experiences in the city.

Through observing the rejoining of our research kin, I saw people situating themselves at the table, trying to get comfortable in their chairs, I heard quiet chatter, and the occasional burst of laughter among the group. Like the first one, we began our session together with smudge and prayer, and the sharing of a meal. On this evening, I could hear a discussion of baked bannock, lii galet, and fried bannock, lii bang, and I saw Devonn beading and Matt weaving at the table behind me as I dished out my supper. Joining the table, I began to bring us into conversations of the research inquiry. Because the smudge had been lit, it was time to move our ‘talk’ into the purpose of our gathering.

Before opening to share photos and videos, I provided an opportunity for my Métis kin to share their initial experiences with the methods of capturing digital photographs and recording videos. Most people, except for one individual, was challenged by the process. Challenges arose from the technological aspect, particularly uploading to YouTube and what to say during the recording. Although technology was a barrier, it was minute and was easily adapted into their skillset. The larger challenge stemmed from trepidation in being uncertain of what photos to take and “finding” the practices in the every day lived experiences. This sparked a discussion of why this might be. We discussion that, perhaps, as Métis, we carried on being who we are, but we were not verbose about it. Sharon shared with the group of her own experiences in stating, “Just because you don’t “see” our culture we still carry it”. One individual commented that "[being] trained to carry on without showing” was likely for reasons of safety which subsequently had implications on future generations and how they practice who they are as Michif or Métis. Patricia shared she “received medicine teachings from her grandpa…but never explicitly said it was Métis” she went to say further that no one pointed out specific practices that were Métis, they were practices that were performed.

Although there were challenges in the using the methods, individuals expressed that taking photos, “gives you a minute to slow down…get out of my thoughts and remember where I came from” (Charmaine). As she said this, I observed a collective nod from the group. Another person expressed her thoughts on the process, “[a] photo is like a bookmark to come back to that…forcing yourself to sit, taking time to check in, asking myself why [I] do some of the things I do…we don’t see that we’re doing them, so I think there’s something really powerful…that there’s a lot more there than I realized, so there is something really beautiful about that” (Devonn).

Below are the photos captured during the first data collection time period and shared at the second gathering. Each person had their photo and video shared on a screen through a projector. One by one we watched the videos and shared photos with an explanation to the group. Our conversations meandered in many directions and encompassed a wide range of topics.

Individuals shared how they had never given their daily experiences much thought, or how they “[took] things for granted [and] didn’t think about [it] in a cultural context”, or their family just acted and did not think of “specific things as Métis”. Regardless of these precluding barriers, individuals began to “see” the Métis practices in their everyday life.

For some individuals, they had to reach back before they could reach into the present to see their own practices. Remembering family stories were key in providing a reference, for example, artifacts like the sewing machine, blanket, and mukluks conjured memories of family members, “remembering where I came from, my grandma would make everything…blankets, mukluks, sour cream, cheese, goulash” (Charmaine). For Bob, his grandmother was crucial in his memories of Métis practices, even if he didn’t recognize it at the time during his growing up, “what triggers my memory about day to day situations, I think, just living, brings about my thoughts about my Métis experiences, my grandmother left me a huge collection of photographs so I am lucky to know who they were and where we came from…remembering a lot of what my grandmother told me, I live by it, I apply it, it is wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today”. Patricia shared that her grandfather received teachings of medicines wherein now, she makes elderberry syrup, among other items.

Pictures of interactions with the land were brought forward by several individuals. Charmaine share that she learned about relationships with the land from her dad; when she returns home to Boggy Creek, she feels deeply about the land “a quiet comes over me, I don’t know where it comes from”.

Hearing her words, Elder Edmee shared “it’s spiritual, many highways to Creator”.

Sharon shared of her experiences with the river and land, “due to the scrip system, [we] never got to keep it [land]…I want less house and more land”. For her, more land would provide her to be connected to the land more, for Sharon, connectedness to the land is somatic in nature, “feel[ing] the vibrations”. Bob said that the river is a connection to his ancestors and an important part of Métis lived histories.

Although the connection to the land was important to the group, individuals expressed how food sources and diet were different as a result of living in the city. In thinking back to the foods her grandmother cooked Charmaine stated, ““diet is important, cities changed [our} diet”. Bob commented that he, as a kid, was “assimilat[ed] through city food, eating McDonald’s, living life as an urban person…liv[ing] a different lifestyle” I shared with the collective that much of my childhood included eating wild meat, deer, moose, elk, and that was normal for me. Devonn, through sharing her photo of gardening, commented that “subsistence gardening is an intentional connection to what [she is] growing while gifting the food to others”.

Graham spoke to the group, “things became weird when we moved into the city, but we are to reclaim our voices and agency”.

Like Patricia in using the teachings of her grandfather to make medicines, Devonn connects to her Métis practices through beading. “[The] act of connecting to [my] own culture, a tangible/physical way to connect, grounded in perspectives of Métis women…[it’s a] routine to feel grounded with smudge”. Practicing the knowledge of our families was common in the group, as was sharing and transferring our practices to future generations. Parenting through Métis practices was a conversation that transpired. We shared how we were disciplined, how our older relatives treated us, encouraged us, and encouraged us to contribute to our community. For some, we had to live with and out of the choices of our parents and grandparents, “[I] grew up away from family and community am working on healing relationships…[I} Learned from mom – ki-shakitin – ‘I love you as you are’”(Devonn).

During the gathering Elder Edmee shared these words with us” growing up a in a large family in context, [we} see ourselves in context but also [we are] displaced from context and environment”.

For some, the diversity in families was a key component of practicing Métisness. Like the box of crayons, Métis come in all different colours, yet they are Métis because of the way they live out their lives, not by the colour of their skin.

***Click on each photo see larger image and and move the cursor to read full caption.

 Gathering 3: November 4, 2019

Our gathering occurred on a November evening when the sun was already set, and the weather was not yet too cold. We, once again, came together at the Métis local with food, tea, conversation, and laughter. Before slipping into discussions of the inquiry, people were discussing the sash Matt was weaving with inquiries into the colours and familial connections to certain patterns. A conversation about language was occurring and the impetus of language to know who we are.

I began the discussion by telling the group I had printed off each photo for the placement into the bundle. I reminded them of the bundle’s presence at each gathering; if they wished to do so they could also contribute an item they felt related to our research. Having individuals text me after the last gathering to share reflections on their experiences, I opened the discussion with a check-in about how the process was going and if there were any reflections that people wanted to share. Matt shared of the many things that he had taken for granted, or mundane, or not given much thought too, and seeing others’ photos allowed him to become more comfortable, especially in seeing similarities in experiences and practices. Charmaine expressed her feelings, “felt a huge sense of belonging, I finally fit somewhere, I thought that I could shake a lot of the shame that I had too, [because] we were told not to talk about. I felt really at peace after, slept the best that I have in a while, felt like I did something for myself”. Patricia’s reflections of the last gathering pointed to the importance of Métis spaces, “in some ways we talked about surface levels things…we practice our Métis identity in our hearts, I guess on a deeper level, how we move as Métis people as a way we all move, how much we need to be heard, a hunger to be heard” Creating a space (referring to the gathering) is a space where we can talk about Métis understandings, because elsewhere people don’t understand the complexities (Patricia). After the last gathering, I had begun to think about that, how we can maintain these spaces for us to come together, in the busyness, how do we still come together consistently (Vicki). Commenting on Vicki’s words, Patricia shared that it is not necessarily the busyness that precludes the creation of these spaces and discussion, but “it’s something that I am not used to sharing…letting go”.

Reg offered some perspective to our discussion about resiliency, “how do we build resilience, after Residential school, we did not speak [Blackfoot], we could understand it, but couldn’t speak publicly, we’d go to restaurant and we’d whisper, and we could hear others speaking their language and we still didn’t speak our language. It gave me anguish, anger, shame, so we started speaking it out loud, but resiliency, what do we have to build resiliency, four things, smudge, circle, Elder and an Elder to sing a song. It gives safety to Indigenous people in a world that they don’t feel safe in. We [Reg and Rose] attended a conference that increased the participation of Indigenous people because it provided safety. Protection, it’s those circles and the smudge that tie us to the environment, the land, the language that comes from the land, the way we do things that come from the land, they were accommodated in the circle, then you feel we can build some sort of way we can give to our youth, and to our Elders to build capacity for that knowledge. That’s what I see here, a space where you can build resiliency, a space you can go and say I am a part of the space, its real, I can take guilt, shame, frustration off and be who I am, that’s what builds resiliency, that’s so important when you talk about what’s going to happen after your doctoral work, it has to be maintained somehow, and maybe that will come out of your work, maybe some principles.

“Hearing Graham and Edmee speak [Michif] hit me so profoundly, when you look mainstream, people don’t believe you, ‘no really, I am inherently different here (points to heart), I might not look the way you expect’, but hearing the language somehow authenticates that we are different, because of the natural law, the philosophy and worldview that comes through the language, and I rarely hear it….if we could bring the language back into Calgary, that would be profoundly helpful” (Sharon)

With this final reflection we shifted our conversation into the photos shared this week. Berkley shared her photo of the clay people first which represents her relationship with her friend’s son. Sadly, her friend passed away, and Berkley felt a responsibility to continue caring for him, “[I] have a spiritual connection to him, I’m not his Auntie but I am his Auntie…responsibility is on me to keep that connection”. Her great uncle is Jim Brady, a prominent Métis leader who helped establish the Métis Nation of Alberta, she wanted to know more about him and went to visit Maria Campbell to hear stories of her great uncle. In their conversing, Maria told her, “there is no word for uncle in Cree, just call him Moshom”. Circling back to her friend’s son, “I am his Auntie, but not his blood Auntie and I feel that that idea is Métis”. Vicki shared of her cousin growing up with her, but she never considered her a cousin, she was a sister, “when you try to explain that to people, they don’t get it often”.

Reg offered his insights, “teachers become kin, we have people that we are connected with through the thunder pipe, and they became our [ceremonial] grandparents, then they open the door to teach us, even when we go down [Montana}, all the kids think we’re their relatives” (everyone chuckles).

Berkley, “there is a story that I was a very strong-willed child, and passionate child, so I would throw a lot of tantrums, and he grandpa would say ‘oh look, Berkley is singing’”. Charmaine, who is sitting beside Berkley, affirms that that happened to her (as everyone laughs). Matt looks up from his weaving, “Is that a cultural thing, because I was raised by my grandparents and if I had a buck for every time, they told me ‘what a great song’ as I am melting down (everyone is laughing). Through the laughter, Edmee asserts, “It is!”, and Charmaine adds, “I do that to my kids now”. Sharon offers her experiences growing up, “my mom, and family, like if you misbehaved, (she signals come here with your finger and points in a direction) you would talk over there, it was never “what are you doing” [yelling} embarrassing and humiliating, you would quietly resolve it, minimiz[e] it…but it is a style of parenting, right”. Vicki shares an experience with her dad, I remember I didn’t listen to my dad’s instructions one time, I took the bus late at night at Marlborough mall, and he told not to take the bus late, and I am sitting at the back of the bus with my friend, and it’s only us two on the bus, and my dad had white hair young, next thing, the bus driver turns around asks “is there a Vicki on the bus, your grandpa is here”, so he found me and the whole drive home was silent, that’s how I knew I was in trouble, there wasn’t screaming, so we got home and sat at the table and he talked to me, I was more afraid of that and I never did it again”. Sharon adds, “I think it’s because you knew what your dad expected of you and you felt so bad, you didn’t need anyone to hell at you”.

We move on from talking about parenting, Charmaine shares her photo of the different colours of hair, “my daughters’ hair, [one] super light and [one]darker, how different colours can come from one person. “This is a picture of my great grandfather Justin Larocque, so he served, he was driving train from Winnipeg to PEI, he was forced to do it, he could only speak Michif, I got to meet him, he was 99”. Rose shares with Charmaine that her dad too was in the army and an old man took her dad as his son and was a Larocque from Hobbema (Charmaine, “Oh really”), and he could only speak Cree, so they started to pick up Cree. "This is him again” (Charmaine), “what does the last of a hardy breed mean?” (people chuckle) (Vicki). “I think because in Boggy Creek, they practiced, they were proud, their mukluks were made with denim and leather, they were proud to stand up and say who we were, by practicing all the time, and living off the land, the way they worked, I think that’s where the news article came from” (Charmaine), “I’ve always known I was Métis, my dad was very much, always be proud, I know other narratives, they’re not taught…for some, there’s been a fight to be proud” (Vicki). Rose shares with Vicki that her cousin was married to a Bouvier from Yellowknife. Charmaine’s photo of the tree is shown, “It just sat with me, I was having a moment, it just hit me to take this picture, it reminded me of family tree, family connections, and how many little buds, and pieces are off of that, nurturing loving heartbeat of the family tree”.

Heritage Park, specifically the fort, was the place where Matt “grew up”, “I started [working there] at 16yrs, [a] big part of how I came to understand I was Métis. Matt was raised by his grandparents and has a taut relationship with his mom, “[I] never gave it much thought, I grew up learning in school that Métis was half French and half First nations, neither of my parents is French, neither of my parents are First Nations and based on what I learned in school, I didn’t see myself as Métis. Working [at Heritage Park] I started to learn that Métis are more of a culture and a people, these characteristics, that’s what my family does”. As Matt started compiling and his family tree, he started seeing names crop up, “this is where everything clicked for me”. Matt started talking to his mom about it and was able to situate himself as part of the history, “my ancestors lived in a place like this” (as he points to the fort on the screen), I cannot separate my self-understanding from that space, [it] made the past real, which made it easier to understand how we got from there to here. From this narrative, a conversation about how we live out stories of the past in the present, “the past and the present are difficult to separate” (Matt).

“I always look at stories as storage packages for knowledge” (Reg)

This sparked a discussion of how we might validate Métis stories. Reg shares “the circle and the smudge protect the story and validates them as real because they’re from an oral culture and that will be the practice of protecting them as real”. When I hear my aunt tell stories, it’s always in context and she always tells the teller and kinship of where you heard it, because some didn’t smudge, but there’s still a protection there, so how you heard the story, where you heard the story….lots of our stories have been told by non-Métis people, so the ones that are ours, are placed in a context and within a kinship system”.

“We’re still playing these card games” (Matt). Important to Matt was sharing his card game with his sister, “me and my sister sitting on the floor playing cards, this is what we used to with mom and dad, and my grandparents, playing cribbage, most casual thing in the world, but I don’t play cards with any of my non-Métis friends”. The card game was also a time to have conversations with his sister. This occasion, they discussed the act of doing favours for people with the expectation to have something in return. Matt shared with us that this was a foreign concept to him and that “You give when you have, take when you need” is a value that he’s been acculturated to (around the table people were nodding), “it’s not an account balance” (Matt)

“Our natural laws that give us laws support stewardship/ownership, what’s in it for me, wasn’t part of it” (Reg)

Changing conversational direction, Patricia shared her photos, all of them being of family (some are not shown here for identity reasons). In sharing the older photo, she shared, “we’re picking up what was stolen from us, and putting down what was thrust upon us, more personally, putting down traumas in order that we don’t pass them down to our children”. She shared that her mom has talked to her about the “unnamed shame of being Métis”, it was bad to be Métis. Patricia articulated the hesitancy of family wanting their children or grandchildren to be Métis because of what they went through, “because I think that what we don’t pass on to our kids is what hurt us the most, but we’re trying, every generation tries”. It is safer, as we start to see people that look like us, “representation is so important”. Coming back to who we are is where the healing will transpire.

“Fear can’t foster passion for learning, this space is giving you the safety to foster your passion, then the kids will be free, but you can’t grow with that fear” (Reg)

“I have always experienced depression, and practicing being Métis, that depression has been inherited, our family members suffered from trauma, and I was experiencing depression, and I remember talking to Reg about how we do need darkness, but we can’t stay in it...younger I didn’t know how to move through it, I took up beading again, but specifically to bead something that correlated to our process, I want to show my son that it’s okay to feel depression, I wasn’t taught that depression is okay growing up. I beaded this as part of our bundle, for me, moving through depression is a spiritual practice, connected to Creator, to land, to kinship, is also what helps, coming together, and spiraling to understand, depression isn’t linear, a physical document, moving through something in a good way (beaded lanyard). Matt shares that he has dealt with it, but “I don’t like to think that is is necessarily tied to the culture, that could be misinterpreted, but I do think in regard to the kinds of trauma, it takes its toll”

“My grandma was Scottish, and she would say she was a born-again Christian, she owned a Christian bookstore, I would go travel with her, I was really close with her until she died when I was 10. This is my grade 6 confirmation, and you must pick a Saint when you go through that. I was adamant that she had to be Aboriginal, this is Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, and even though she’s Mohawk (chuckles), even at grade six, I had the know how I wanted to honour that part of me, it’s about honouring both, finding a balance is a practice of being Métis. I was ashamed of this for a long time, until I realized I could honour my grandmother without taking on Catholicism, I’ve had this book since I was in grade six, and wow, it is not appropriate, (chuckling in the group) (Vicki).

The gathering concluded with me asking them if they wanted to have another round of sharing or move to analysis and discussion. One individual was tapped out, but could have another session, one individual said, “I’ve just begun”, one person gave me a thumbs up, another individual commented, “another round because now that we’ve already seen what we first think of, and the conversations are deepening, it would be interesting to see what those things we start to see are”, a collective decision was to have another round in December.

We closed with last thoughts, “I just want to say thank you to everybody for being so open, and accepting” (Charmaine). “When you get enough Métis people in room, there’s shared experiences, narratives repeat, it’s very heartening and grounding to hear stories that are so parallel to your own” (Matt).

The smudge is a governance for our society, that was recognize. The first ones to recognize that governance were the newcomers that came however, the children that came from that first newcomers is what the Elders looked at oral treaty, because then they became family, then they became relatives, and they had to share the land, and they had work together, and that’s where the oral treaty concept of relative making was a big part of that and that’s the Métis however, when the government started to go away with Indigenous governance, and they hung Louis Riel, that was one of the biggest mistakes, and the government came out and said we’re the only government of the land. I always remember that those were treaties before treaties came up” (Reg)

****Click on each photo see larger image and and move the cursor to read full caption.

 Gathering 4: December 2, 2019

This cold night in December was our smallest gathering yet which provided opportunity for more concentrated individual discussion. Edmee opened our session with a prayer in Michif and dug into the delicious meal that was prepared for us. As we began to eat our meal, I shared with them my experience of presenting this research at a talk I gave at a university. Previously, I let the group know I was presenting on this research and asked for their permission to show photos and my initial insights, they all agreed. At the end of my presentation, I was asked a question by an attendee that spurred some reflections and discomfort, I shared this question with the group. In my presentation I shared an idea that we need to reach back into the past, to understand the present as Métis living in urban places. The individual questioned me on how far back we should be able to reach for us to use those stories to claim Métis identity. Although this question pushed me to discomfort, I know that these questions are needed especially with the current climate of the “popcorn Métis” (individuals who appropriate the term and identity of Métis without having the contextualization to do so), we are being called to validate our stories even more so. This question started the discussions for us; we talked about the nature of stories, how the past is needed, but also how they co-exist with the present through our lived experiences. More importantly, all of us in our research group, do not have to reach back too far, we are all connected to our familial kinship through our parents, grandparents, and so on.

Edmee affirmed for us those stories come from our lived experiences, “I lived it, so I know it is true”.

Berkley began our sharing with the photo of the beaded vest. Although this is not hers, nor her beading, she expressed her love for the art form, one thing about Métis beading is I love how the plants are incorporated. The photo is the screensaver on her computer. Technology, for Berkley, is an important part of her life, particularly as a filmmaker. The uses of technology signals adaptability, which she views is a practice of being Métis. Speaking about a project that Berkley wants to create, we meandered into talking about borders. Inspired by the fringe on the vest and the plant life that grows along colonial borders, we discussed how Métis have been on the fringes of society due to colonization. Vicki commented: “colonial borders have defined our kinships; the city has tried to disallow indigeneity into their borders”. Bob shared his experiences growing up with his grandmother and when asked their nationality, she would say Italian or Greek to “blow them off” and that caused confusion for him. From this confusion, he asked my dad what a Métis is, my dad, Ephram replied, “the best of both worlds”. Bob, “he was telling me to be proud”

Moving back to innovation, I commented, that we’re used to making our own toys and games. Just looking around the table in our gatherings, people are working on projects as we’re talking, we’re always doing something while we’re doing something else. “My grandma used to knit, she could multitask, those knitting needles are going like crazy, and she’s giving us all shit, you, you, and you, outta here (as everyone is laughing), she doesn’t miss a stitch…she took me to Bingo, I didn’t want to go, she wouldn’t let me leave, you’ll play a 6 card, and she had like 40 cards, and then I bug up and miss one and she reaches over and ‘boink’” (laughter) (Bob).

This story provokes a conversation of observations and being taught to be observant. “Tracking movements through people, anticipating moves [is] a survival mechanism that we use to navigate” (Devonn). Hearing this sparked a question for me, “if we navigate the world in a very specific, how do we move very specifically?”

“This picture speaks to that. This is my dance class, beginner hip hop…I have rhythm, my dad was a drummer, when I dance with Métis people, I love the rhythm and coming together “life without dance is sad”. Devonn affirms these sentiments, “everyone has heard the story of the jigger having to be discreet in their dancing so police wouldn’t see them through the windows…Movement and dance was taken away from Metis people, and that yearning and desire for movement is really important”. I shared with them, the words of Elder, Doreen Bergum, from my master’s research wherein she shares that jigging was a way that she moved through trauma into healing (cite). “This is my therapy, the equalizing of dance” (Berkley).

“I was walking my dog in an empty lot, and had a glimpse of what that hill was before the monstrosity of an almost 4 million dollar house and this lot is for 600k$…if I had that land, I’d build a tiny cottage and keep the hill, but that’s not what is going to happen…It’s more beautiful, just the land” (Berkley). “It’s heartbreaking, when you’re driving, when I see more land getting used for development it hurts my heart” (Devonn). Talking about urban planning and design kindled a dialogue about the movement and mobility around the city, while pointing to the vastness of a city, like Calgary, can promote a feeling of isolation and individuality. “I have felt isolated, trying to find other Métis people, because traditionally, you’d be all in the same place” (Vicki). For Bob, thinking of Calgary, he asserts, “I fit rather well here, lived in Calgary most of my life, before coming from Winnipeg”. “As for the city, I certainly have seen the city grow, I know Calgary like the back of my hand and fascinates me to see the new development and roads” (Bob).

Speaking more about movement and walking, Devonn shared that she wanted to capture moments of her day-to-day life. “Walking home from getting groceries, thinking about little things I do every day that impacts the environment, and being Métis, it’s important to me that I act on that, even in little ways, I am lucky enough to live close enough, but growing up, we always walked, we didn’t have a car for a long time, making that choice when I can drive, part of that responsibility to the environment”. Another important activity for Devonn is, “getting involved in the [Calgary Métis] local, [an] important part of being Métis is creating those Métis spaces for community in the city.

Bob was a Calgary police officer, and his dad and grandfather both served in the military. This familial legacy provoked him to research his ancestors. “I walked the battle fields [in Batoche] and came across a single grave, R.W Phillips, I staggered back, it helped me connect with my Phillips family and turns out it was an ancestor of mine, so ‘we are the sum of our ancestors’. “The Métis have played prominent roles in military, they have great accomplishments, and they got little to no credit, and no pension when they came back” (Bob).

The last of our sharing had Bob discussing spirituality, “to me that is Creator, it can’t get any more beautiful than that…I believe in Creator, I call myself Christian Métis, my grandma sent me to Church but she didn’t come with me, I never knew how much pain she went through [with the church]. [Working} in Indigenous Relations in oil and gas, I learned a lot from communities, I am as comfortable in a sweat as I am in a Catholic church because it's one Creator”.

As we closed the gathering after sharing all the photos and videos, as a group, we decided this would be the last round of sharing, the next gathering would be for analysis and discussion. Because not all individuals were here, I did follow up with them to ensure they consent with moving forward, they were.

****Click on each photo see larger image and and move the cursor to read full caption.

 Tea with Patricia: January 5, 2020

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, Patricia and I sat together at my kitchen table, conversing over rose hip tea. Patricia was persistent to get together one-on-one to share her insights about how the gatherings were impacting her. Sitting at the table, we began with small talk and slowly moved our conversation to stories that she wanted to share. I asked her if I could audio record our discussion, she agreed.

Patricia was generous in sharing with me about her experiences growing up first in Prince Albert, then in Calgary. Her Métis lineage is both on her maternal and paternal side. I learned of the dynamics of her familial interactions, emotions, and thoughts of their Métis identity and practices. There was a plot of land that they visited, with her daughter playing in the barn, later finding out that it was owned by a late relative. Hearing this story, we talked about intangible aspects of our self-understandings, that we interact with all the time, and in this case, unknowingly however, once she knew it provided a different perspective. Together we agreed that perhaps once we ‘see’ differently, looking back with a new perspective is part of healing.

Imposter syndrome was a practice in Patricia’s life, but through beading it lessened that feeling for her. Her grandmother, on her father’s side, showed her how to embroider, bead, and make soap, for Patricia, “she never said it was to do with any cultural thing…she was trying to tell me something”.

From this conversation, I commented, "we know who we are because we do it, not because we think about it”. Patricia shared her perspective that ingenuity is a practice of being Métis. Speaking from our own families, we did not have much therefore, creativity was out of necessity. Our conversation traveled into our sense of ingenuity but feeling we could not be too innovative. She shared moments in her family where she was taught not to get too big for yourself, a sense of be proud but not too proud. I agreed and shared a similar experience I had. This spurred the framing for the rest of our conversation. We spoke about lateral violence that we have felt and witnessed in our community and how lifting the veil on these actions are needed to become vibrant and aligned with who we are as Métis. I shared with her my insights about soul atrophy (see here for this wisdom). She echoed the need for the need for spaces like what this inquiry has created because the silence surrounding our trauma and the intergenerational impacts is too loud for our emotional well-being. We talked further about the practice of ‘slogging’ on and the attitude of push experiences away or ignoring the ramifications of trauma in order to keep moving forward in life. However, the detriment of this is that the sediments of those events and/or situations build up and give life to violence and bullying, which we both and have felt in our lives.

As we meandered through these truthful conversations, we arrived to the primary reason for Patricia’s insistence that we meet, generational healing. She revealed that this inquiry was expanding our core research collective and impacting her immediate relationships. Through the gatherings and the process of our sharing together has opened up conversations with her family members which was somewhat of a surprise to Patricia as it was unintended. In writing my ethics application, I must think about risks and benefits of the inquiry, which I suspected it would be of benefit to the participants, but I did not consider it to permeate outside of our circle. Patricia shared how the framing of the research was potentially the catalyst for the healing to occur. She commented that when she read the word ‘practice’ in my research question she thought we would have to show our Métis ‘skills’ but that quickly dissipated, “after first 5 secs I don’t have to prove anything”. I shared with her that I appreciated this sharing because it prompted me to reflect on that word and understand how it might have been a barrier for people to engage in the project and showed my bias in the question.

In rhythm, our dialogue continued to ebb and flow through topics we had already moved through, with adding a bit more comments into the mix. Once repetition was evident, we ended our conversation.

 Gathering 5: January 6, 2020

On a chilly evening in January, we gathered again, at the Métis Local, to discuss the previous months of dialogue, sharing, and storying up (Maracle, 2013). Our purpose was to join and assess the photos and stories that were shared within the collective. Reg opened our session with smudge and prayer so we can begin. After smudging, Reg shared a Blackfoot story telling of how smudge was brought to the people.

“The smudge, the smoke represents the feather that Creator used on Scar face, and you purify all that hardship, all the bad stuff. Purify yourself, that’s why we use the smudge to start, call to order, and purify. That’s why we smudge, through stories like that, we talk about [those] as knowledge and official ways to do things, because we didn’t have books back in those days, it was just stories like that that we used” (Reg).

Taking in the teachings from Reg, we transitioned to frame the assessment process for our stories. When me and Reg teach together, we developed some questions for assessing what [students] learned. The main question that we want to focus on here is: what you are struggling with and through, not only what is good, but what has been a struggle and how have we all connected to each other’s stories, how are we connecting with each other” (Vicki).

“I think it’s important, that question of what you struggled with, [it’s how you] evaluate as you move along because the struggles come from here (points to chest); if we just gave you a test on a piece of paper about the photo, then it will all come from here (points to head), but when we do the smudge and the question then you’re testing from how you connect from the head and heart, then the evaluation is really evaluating from an oral context” (Reg).

Talking through the assessment process for a short while, the circle was opened for who wanted to start.

“I think in my mind I was creating a disconnection between the land and the urban space, but so much [of our photos} had to with land in some capacity…we think about the cities being so cut off and we can’t have a relationship in an urban setting, and I think this research process has disproven that in a way” (Devonn).

“Trying to come up with the ‘right’ practices (collective nods), that there are things that make up being Métis that are so monolithic, I don’t jig, I don’t play fiddle those aren’t the [only] right practices, but things that people were bringing up like making medicines, memories of the sewing machine you have” (Devonn). Matt shared similar sentiments, “Because my profession and academic life deals with historical stuff, I didn’t want it to be sashes, and beading and jigging, I wanted to capture those mundane moments because I’m around the really obvious stuff often”.

Coming into a self-understanding was a shared experience around the table, “I started to notice pretty quickly that people did things very differently that I did, and it wasn’t until I started working at Heritage Park and it wasn’t until reading about the fur trade that things made sense…it was the first moment that I had context” (Matt). Like Matt, Sharon also needed context to understand herself as Métis, “Reg’s comment ‘that you are yourself’, this is me, this is how I look, and this is what I know, and it’s taken time for me to develop…I went back to Winnipeg and did a cultural tour, and I literally took my pedigree, and I went to all these places and to be myself I had to. We (family) spent 3 weeks going to cemeteries and sawmills and I needed to do that to be myself because before I couldn’t. Over time I pieced it all together”.

Individuals discussed the importance of community connection, “being part of the community and contributing is a way I have found an opportunity to build relationships and it feels really important to me and if I took that away, I don’t know any of these other things would be as powerful for me” (Devonn). For Sharon, the land is something she seeks out a relationship within every urban environment she has spent time in however, “[she’d} seek out a Métis community…a common cultural community”. Isolation and loneliness were a struggle that Matt experienced, but solace was found in community, “The thing you tie on to when you are weaving is an anchor and there is this sense of being anchored here to these places, families, friends, a big part of my community have shared experiences and cultural background…that’s [why] this is important”

Together we frequently meandered to discussing the self-perception and this process, “It’s been very spiritual for me with this, seeing everyone’s pictures…I am enough…I am open to myself and being okay with my past and with family, I used to feel ashamed. There is so many things in the city that you can do to reconnection, it’s not about where you are, it’s about what [you] take, what [you] hear. During this conversation, I commented, “Perhaps this process has allowed all of you to connect in a way that someone has never asked you to do before, like not what percentage are you (everyone chuckles) but what makes [you] Métis. Connecting back to ourselves, the universe, our ancestors. Connect back to who we are”. Sharon responded, “you’re joking but, blood quantum, it’s dangerous, there are people who will challenge and judge you for your demonstration”. Supporting Sharon, I shared, “We’re not this typical, essentialized, French Cree, her (Patricia) ancestors spoke Cree, Matt’s spoke Bungee, we’re diverse but a collective”.

With the discussion coming to a slow pace, I asked if we were ready to close the circle, everyone agreed. As Reg prepared the smudge to send us home, I checked in with the group to ask about consent and if anyone wanted to revisit the anonymity or anything else….we acknowledged that overtime, people became more comfortable and may feel differently than they did at the beginning”, one participant took up the opportunity to alter her consent. Lastly, we decided that we would gather one last time to determine the dissemination”.

 Gathering 6: February 3, 2020

Smaller than other gatherings, four of us meet on a February evening. This session was to determine a path forward with specific attention to a collective discussion and decision on the process and form of knowledge dissemination. Since the last time, I had the opportunity to chat with individuals that were not present to find out their perspective on having a public gathering or other form of sharing to the community. The four of us, sat, eating together, and conversing in small talk. Reg started us off with smudge and I began our discussion with sharing a few interpretations I had from the process over the last five months. “Through this process, one thing I interpreted from a lot of the stories was I named as ‘soul atrophy’, we’re living arrhythmically, in such a way that we may not be living our true nature of being in the world. This process may have allowed {people] to regain a rhythm of who they are”. I also shared about Reg’s teaching of ghosts, meaning, emotions and thoughts are ghosts, “the ghosts have protocol, and we have to respect them with those protocols and if we don’t they’ll get the best of us” (Reg). This sharing brought forward a dialogue about the term ‘halfbreed’ is if if may be a detriment to how we recognize ourselves as whole worthy begins. “This is natural law, you’re a real person, no such thing as a half breed, you’re a real person, at least as I recognize”. Graham shared after Reg, ‘no one is half-spirited’, nehiyaw, I am a whole person. Where the trouble came is when the Europeans came they [said] they’re not whole like in the way we recognize, they have spirits but they don’t practice in ways you think people want one to act as Métis, what are the stereotypical things, let’s bring those, but really what are the practices that run deep within you”. Listening to Patricia, Graham added, “Having a card is the gateway that they need in order to start going out and seeking, but it doesn’t mean that everyone who gets that card will seek”. Reg shared the most significant struggle for identity is, “when they outlawed the smudge, and the Indian Act came out, you look at today when they give us the status card, I still can’t consider freedom [in that] because it’s telling me who I am, it’s not the smudge”. We went on to talk about the disruption of identity with the impositions of government or external entities defining Indigenous people. There becomes a "‘checklist’ when someone else is imposing an identity on a person, “they have taken the smudge away and replaced it with the card, it’s not Creator giving [us] permission”. Hear this conversation, I commented on the photos from the inquiry process, “in our pictures there’s only one sash, no jigging…not that these aren’t’ important, but when we’re looking at the deeper sediments of a ‘real’ person, not necessarily what people can check the box with. The conversation meandered through more discussion of identity and knowing who we are through the absolute laws, our interactions with the relations in our environments which becomes the story (Reg).

Although most of our discussion circled through many concepts, we did end our conversation with discussing the knowledge dissemination to the community. There were varying opinions that pointed to sharing the information, while also waiting for an appropriate time to do so. Particularly with sharing such intimate personal stories, there was a hesitancy of if we should share it with a broader audience. Reg shared a metaphor to relate to the discussion, “on the reserve we couldn’t afford lawnmowers, all you had was those ones you had to push, so what people were doing was control burn their yard, and after the grass grows it’s all green, so how do we look at control burn, is it awareness and knowledge, I think it is, but how do we do that control burn, and if the time isn’t not right now, then we’ll pick a different time, because we’ll know when it’s time. The importance of our inquiry, nor the need for people to know this information was never questioned, but when was something to think about. Reg and Graham reminded me that through this inquiry and having the bundle to care for, I have a responsibility to continue on after my doctoral program is complete, but that will come in time.

Gathering 7: February 7, 2022

The seventh gathering took place on a dark February evening in 2022, incidentally exactly two years from the first inquiry gathering. This gathering however, included only the Métis kin and me. I opened our gathering with smudge and prayer. Three people attended the virtual conversation with others providing feedback over email and text message. Prior to the gathering, I emailed the research circle the website requesting they review the sections of the dissertation that pertained to our gatherings, my interpretations, as well as the page with their biographies. Individuals did not provide a great deal of feedback, mostly congratulatory comments on the work and praise for the website design. To open the conversation to ascertain more feedback, I asked them their perceptions of the concept of soul atrophy specifically, as well as the organization of the interpretations through kinship systems. Asking about soul atrophy was prompted by my trepidation in putting forward this concept without it capturing the collective sentiments. I had thought about this term, soul atrophy, from the beginning of the project however, I did not want to assert this if the group did not see it as reflected in our collective story. My trepidation was eased as the individuals affirmed that they believed soul atrophy was an accurate interpretation of our experiences together.  This brought me back to my conversation with Patricia when she agreed, “[there is a] need for spaces, similar to what this inquiry has created, because the silence surrounding our trauma and the intergenerational impacts is too loud for our emotional well-being”. I carried reticence throughout the research inquiry because I strived to be ethical in my choices and actions and did not want to misrepresent the words and stories of the people with whom trusted me. The last few comments pertained to ensuring the Michif words were correct as well as the appraisal that the work in the dissertation is needed because there is a lack of research and scholarship for this topic. I concluded with inviting them to my doctoral defense and stressed that I hope they would attend to witness the defending and validation of this work. We offered goodbyes and closed the call.